hate myself for loving you...

i hate myself from loving him!
hate hate hate hate hate....
why why why do i still puts up with this very selfish guy?
why do i still clamors for even a little bit of his attention?
why do all..okay...some..women still do this..we are educated, independent self sufficient women but still falls head over heels with this type of guy?

answer:
because we cant find anyone else
because deep down we know we are imperfect, not capable of finding good guys, can't cook, not good looking enough,
NOT LOVABLE
because watever all women say we dont really need a man..we want a man, and we know only this type, the needy, the abusive,the selfish, that wants us, maybe not for the right reasons, but they wants us in our life.
i blame the society, where in this place, tho we have skyscrapers, jets, been to the moon and back, a woman without a man is still considered flawed, cacat...
a woman who does not contribute in procreation is likened to a leper...tho no one will ever say this out loud..but thats everyones is thinking!
ive been brainwashed...
but we are wired biologically to have mates rite? so why is it soo hard to find a good guy? not handsome, not rich, no.
it's me isnt it..im flawed, because ive been to one of those dating sites..and believe me, those guys in there are soo demanding, they want good looking girls... nice looking girls..beautiful girls...how dare they wrote those things..have they looked in front of the mirror lately? wat if i were to write that..handsome guys only, no chubby, short, too tall..too dark, too skinny, muscular guys with big **** only..how would they feel looking at my not so good looking pic?
ive been convincing myself for 4 years that i will show my guy that deep inside, im good for him, in fact, he knows it, but he still tried to convince himself theres somebody out there thats better for him, but, he doesnt want to let me go, because i fullfill him, emotionally, and watever he needs fullfilling, but when i wanted some TLC, some encouragement, he couldnt handle it, and im forced to be happy with crumbs, and then when i voice it out, he said that im ungrateful, that ive changed that i did not keep my promise... hes wrong for me rite?? rite??
but................


there is no one else out there...is there?

Selamat Hari Raya

RAya is coming in a week..thats eid-il-fitr for the rest of the world....
to tell you the truth..my family is not much into this raya thing..anyway..not since dad died...
dad left us on raya...hmmm on my birthday nevertheless... so everytime its raya its never really a happy occasion, and we dont have much of extended families..so i guess we will celebrate for an hour...visit my dad's grave and a few close relatives..thats it... back home watch tv, eat then sleep..
pathetic?
hey thats my family...is yours any better?

dreams dashed...

hey there... guess my wireless dreams at the workplace is dashed babe... but im at the lab..so got somethin to do...
so talking bout dreams dashed... my dreams dashed? haha got no dreams in the first place..i am most probably the laziest bum ever..well at least in my head... hmm.. when i small..i hoped to be a doctor.. but flunked biology, and chemistry and..physics..so...guess not... then hoped to find a prince charming..hmm... then hoped to get a fabulous jet setting job..got stuck in a desk job.. geez this is kinda depressing... maybe next time ill stick to positive things..
ciao..

What the hell am i doing

man...i am seriously bored with work and my life...
i do not have anything exciting to do!
i dont travel coz all my friends are married, im not married coz my boyfriend doesnt want to marry me
my job had become routine... it doesnt really excites me anymore...
maybe ill go and do my masters... but..am i really that good?
maybe ill buy a new car....
hmm..so many maybes....

im baaacckkk......

so guess im back from outer space....
been there done that as they say...

psst... my place just got installed with free internet..so here i am... pretending to type furiously working on my work but actually blogging...i know i know....thousands if not millions of people are doing this rite now...but hey waddaya expect of a country like this? but hey...m happy to be blogging again...so not complaining! wanna an update on my life? where do i start?
boyfriends? work? friends? which is which?

but most important..lessons ive learned

1. dont judge a book by its cover... heheh old but still u can never get enuff lessons like this

2. be prepared..in everything!!

3. expect people to think the worst of you...always....

4. expect people though thinking the worst of you still expect you to produce the best work of the century


well...enough for today..i expect ill be blogging more after this due to free internet! yeee haaa