i will never learn...

i will never ever learn... maybe this is why you never hook up with a really cute guy..
i broke up for the THIRD time with my ex..sheesh..and its due to the same thing...he had never let go of the married woman! married...married!! and then he found out that woman is pregnant..thank god its not his...its her husbands... then he had the nerve to run sobbing to me to tell me he was betrayed!! like duh! whaaa? him? hello! im the victim here! i dont deserve to have a boyfriend, i cant handle this, i do not know how to love or be loved, am i supposed to be his friend? am i supposed to get angry? i cant anymore, wats the use? anger is a feeling and im trying very hard not to feel anymore,
but the truth is, I STILL WANT HIM!
maybe its lust..but i missed him, this is not healthy, i need a therapist, i need to be institutionalized ... but i do!
if i analyse carefully maybe i wanted him because i want to hurt him, i wanted to dump him first! but i never got the chance..due to the fact that i do not have any other guys in my life. not even a cousin that i can borrow.sheesh.. pathetic, desparate..and lonely once more...
this should be year 5 for us... but the arguments came more frequently.. maybe its not meant to be..but wat the hell do i do in the mean time? i seriously will not go into the dating game again...it hurt too much, tiring and mostly a waste of time. im tired of being the hunter. i will try to keep quiet as i possibly can, throw myself into my career, take care of my mom, my money,hmm...change life goals..yeah its no fun, i know...

money money moany

how do you get more money?
if u have the job that i have rite now, ull know this is a futile attempt. yes i know that my job is soul-fullfiliing, for the greater good, candle that burns in the nite for the sake of others, but... i got needs... and im broke, my fault actually. ive been living beyond my means..hey if i ve been living within my means, i wont be happy, ill be depressed..waaay depressed and thats not good rite? my credit cards bills are ...well..lets just say.. hmm... actually i cant say it.... half of my salary goes to pay debts, because of that to buy even the essentials..i have to make more debt..and so the cycle goes on and on...then..i find, this year, some family thing crops up and i need to find more money, that i dont have, that will result in me making more and more debt..
the cycle's becoming a noose around my neck and its getting tighter...

a year of too many work

happy new year!

the muslim calendar will start the new on saturday and i felt that this is the right time to have new resolutions... i like it this way...where i know wat my workload will be like, either at work or home..then ill make my new resolutions...anyway...
i have more time in front of the pc now, coz ive been appointed the secretary of so many units at work, so i can pretend im typing up some report whilst actually updating my blog..not a good resolution? hell do i are rite..but i get the feeling that im a bit better this year, i have more energy to work, more enthusiastic, i guess my adrenalin is higher, haha
more problems at the home front but i guess this is another blog..ciao first babe