i will never learn...

i will never ever learn... maybe this is why you never hook up with a really cute guy..
i broke up for the THIRD time with my ex..sheesh..and its due to the same thing...he had never let go of the married woman! married...married!! and then he found out that woman is pregnant..thank god its not his...its her husbands... then he had the nerve to run sobbing to me to tell me he was betrayed!! like duh! whaaa? him? hello! im the victim here! i dont deserve to have a boyfriend, i cant handle this, i do not know how to love or be loved, am i supposed to be his friend? am i supposed to get angry? i cant anymore, wats the use? anger is a feeling and im trying very hard not to feel anymore,
but the truth is, I STILL WANT HIM!
maybe its lust..but i missed him, this is not healthy, i need a therapist, i need to be institutionalized ... but i do!
if i analyse carefully maybe i wanted him because i want to hurt him, i wanted to dump him first! but i never got the chance..due to the fact that i do not have any other guys in my life. not even a cousin that i can borrow.sheesh.. pathetic, desparate..and lonely once more...
this should be year 5 for us... but the arguments came more frequently.. maybe its not meant to be..but wat the hell do i do in the mean time? i seriously will not go into the dating game again...it hurt too much, tiring and mostly a waste of time. im tired of being the hunter. i will try to keep quiet as i possibly can, throw myself into my career, take care of my mom, my money,hmm...change life goals..yeah its no fun, i know...