Blog entry 3 july 2006

Hi, im at my workplace and im going to post this when I can. I feel seriously depressed today. When I was down with fever 2 days ago, my so called boyfriend never calls. Is it my fault? Its his rite? I told him I was sick, he called for ten seconds the first day then after that nothing! Zilch, nada, hmm… I don’t really know what to do… all the people I ask tell me I should leave him, but why cant I leave him? Am I that desperate to have a partner? Hes not that good u know. Its just im sick of being single, and alone, but if he treats me like this, like dirt, im sick of this too… im sick of asking for crumbs from him. Well I guess he lied when he said he loves me. I don’t want a ‘sometime’ love! I want an always and forever love… and u know..that thing my friend told me about? Ohh that thing when she said ull find disappointment in marriage? That thing keeps bugging me..i kept thinking bout it, partly I want to know what triggers the statement from her, but more because of … well…is it truly? It quite shatters my illusions, well I know, and I understand, married life is not a bed of roses..hmm maybe it is, cos roses have thorns rite? I mean its not all fun and happy and sexually fulfilled, but, cant I just hold on to some illusion that when we are married we’ll be getting something? I mean.. takkanlaaa..its not that bad is it? Then why the hell people get married? I mean, yesterday I just went to a wedding, and I got invitations up to my ears..(okay ankles) for weddings next month… seems to always be going to someones wedding..when will it ever be mine?
Im trying to find boyfriends but I can never find one, this one keeps coming back even when I have asked him to leave for various offences. I really do not know what he has against women, he sometimes so bent on finding someone to fulfill him that hes obsessed, he becomes selfish, demanding, uncaring, but I knew that when he was with his ex (who broke his heart) hes the opposite! Sometimes I feel like hes abusing me just to see whether I can stand him, then he wants me because im the only one who can stands him. Why cant I get him the first time? Because I know at that time hes the perfect boyfriend, maybe he just doesn’t want me, plain and simple, but where can I get the courage to leave him? My self worth is plummeting.. I feel old, ugly, fat, unworthy of love, hell, when your 26, you shouldn’t be thinking bout this anymore rite? Your supposedly have this confidence, that men will see beyond all that as long as u believe in it. But easier said than done babe………..