i will never ever learn... maybe this is why you never hook up with a really cute guy..
i broke up for the THIRD time with my ex..sheesh..and its due to the same thing...he had never let go of the married woman! married...married!! and then he found out that woman is pregnant..thank god its not his...its her husbands... then he had the nerve to run sobbing to me to tell me he was betrayed!! like duh! whaaa? him? hello! im the victim here! i dont deserve to have a boyfriend, i cant handle this, i do not know how to love or be loved, am i supposed to be his friend? am i supposed to get angry? i cant anymore, wats the use? anger is a feeling and im trying very hard not to feel anymore,
but the truth is, I STILL WANT HIM!
maybe its lust..but i missed him, this is not healthy, i need a therapist, i need to be institutionalized ... but i do!
if i analyse carefully maybe i wanted him because i want to hurt him, i wanted to dump him first! but i never got the chance..due to the fact that i do not have any other guys in my life. not even a cousin that i can borrow.sheesh.. pathetic, desparate..and lonely once more...
this should be year 5 for us... but the arguments came more frequently.. maybe its not meant to be..but wat the hell do i do in the mean time? i seriously will not go into the dating game again...it hurt too much, tiring and mostly a waste of time. im tired of being the hunter. i will try to keep quiet as i possibly can, throw myself into my career, take care of my mom, my money,hmm...change life goals..yeah its no fun, i know...
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
money money moany
how do you get more money?
if u have the job that i have rite now, ull know this is a futile attempt. yes i know that my job is soul-fullfiliing, for the greater good, candle that burns in the nite for the sake of others, but... i got needs... and im broke, my fault actually. ive been living beyond my means..hey if i ve been living within my means, i wont be happy, ill be depressed..waaay depressed and thats not good rite? my credit cards bills are ...well..lets just say.. hmm... actually i cant say it.... half of my salary goes to pay debts, because of that to buy even the essentials..i have to make more debt..and so the cycle goes on and on...then..i find, this year, some family thing crops up and i need to find more money, that i dont have, that will result in me making more and more debt..
the cycle's becoming a noose around my neck and its getting tighter...
if u have the job that i have rite now, ull know this is a futile attempt. yes i know that my job is soul-fullfiliing, for the greater good, candle that burns in the nite for the sake of others, but... i got needs... and im broke, my fault actually. ive been living beyond my means..hey if i ve been living within my means, i wont be happy, ill be depressed..waaay depressed and thats not good rite? my credit cards bills are ...well..lets just say.. hmm... actually i cant say it.... half of my salary goes to pay debts, because of that to buy even the essentials..i have to make more debt..and so the cycle goes on and on...then..i find, this year, some family thing crops up and i need to find more money, that i dont have, that will result in me making more and more debt..
the cycle's becoming a noose around my neck and its getting tighter...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
a year of too many work
happy new year!
the muslim calendar will start the new on saturday and i felt that this is the right time to have new resolutions... i like it this way...where i know wat my workload will be like, either at work or home..then ill make my new resolutions...anyway...
i have more time in front of the pc now, coz ive been appointed the secretary of so many units at work, so i can pretend im typing up some report whilst actually updating my blog..not a good resolution? hell do i are rite..but i get the feeling that im a bit better this year, i have more energy to work, more enthusiastic, i guess my adrenalin is higher, haha
more problems at the home front but i guess this is another blog..ciao first babe
the muslim calendar will start the new on saturday and i felt that this is the right time to have new resolutions... i like it this way...where i know wat my workload will be like, either at work or home..then ill make my new resolutions...anyway...
i have more time in front of the pc now, coz ive been appointed the secretary of so many units at work, so i can pretend im typing up some report whilst actually updating my blog..not a good resolution? hell do i are rite..but i get the feeling that im a bit better this year, i have more energy to work, more enthusiastic, i guess my adrenalin is higher, haha
more problems at the home front but i guess this is another blog..ciao first babe
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Another long reading
Spread Information:
The Peace and Harmony reading
The Peace and Harmony reading covers myriad aspects of your spiritual evolution -- from the influences of your higher self to internal elements of blockage or obstacle. It can be useful for evaluating the path of service you choose to follow, and it will offer you insights and advice to help you on your way.
Your Interpretations
Self: Seven of Wands
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
With such a positive attitude and strong potential, you are primed to achieve your best yet on the path toward lasting peace.
The card in the Self position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now, including how at peace you are with and within yourself.
The Seven of Wands in this position indicates you are getting ready for a moment of inner triumph. You have trained for it through the hard work of reflection and self-examination and are at the peak of your spiritual potential. This makes you a winner even if others do not notice.
With such a positive attitude and obviously strong potentials so carefully and quietly cultivated, you are bound to make a strong and decisive contribution.
GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking.
The Seven of this suit generally shows a person who is nearly always successful in working her or his will in the world. This is a person who is truly gifted, standing head and shoulders above the rest, a standard-setter and exemplar that exceeds previous conceptions of what is possible.
In historical Tarot, this person would most likely be portrayed as an admired and feared warrior who has vanquished his adversaries against all odds, but nowadays such an outstanding feat could just as easily apply to the world of the media, politics or business.
Beware of creeping smugness that can be hinted at by this card. Being successful does not make you invincible, and it does not protect you against errors! Enjoy your "fifteen minutes of fame" and then get back to your tasks, or your head will swell, to the detriment of your ability to succeed again.
Situation: Page of Wands
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Change will escalate rapidly. Be quick to participate but try to maintain an attitude of peacefulness.
The Situation position refers to the general set of influences that surround you and affect your personal experience of peace. We all have to deal with conflict and are affected by the process.
When the Page of Wands (in some decks, a Princess) is in this position, change is in the air. News may have been released about developing events that could put stress on your comfortable, established routine and rhythm. It could represent a change in the power structure, a new goal or perhaps a turn of events that will catch you by surprise. Whatever it is, be prepared to participate compassionately in the wave of the future. Change will escalate quickly.
This is not necessarily a negative development, however, so do not let anything derail your participation as a messenger of peace. The essential thing to remember now is that you are to respond actively, rather than retreat and wait.
GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking.
This card is traditionally entitled the Page, but in some modern decks appears as a Princess. This archetype is that of a unique individual, a nonconformist, often something of a bohemian, definitely independent by nature. He or she requires little in the way of affirmation or approval. Perhaps a malcontent, often an innovator or inventor, the energy represented by this card will only serve others until she or he figures out how to get others to serve her/him.
His freedom is so important to him that he would rather go as a peasant among strangers than inherit a fortune with strings attached. Don't be fooled by his humble appearance. He is a future captain of industry or world leader, now serving his apprenticeship. He's sometimes seen planting his staff like a flagpole into the earth, out in the wilderness where he can start fresh, without having to make any compromises. You could think of this card as a wild card.
Challenges/ Opportunities: Knight of Coins
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Do your homework. Gain a thorough and deep understanding of your situation and devise a workable plan to see it through.
The card in the Challenges/Opportunities position reflects how you can use creativity and skill to turn conflicts into harmonious understanding.
With the Knight of Coins (in some decks, The Prince) in this position, you are being asked to go to the roots of things. So, start from the beginning and gain some experience to match your intellectual grasp of the situation. Temper whatever power you possess with patience and sensitivity to detail.
It would be wise to steep yourself in the traditions of your field or clan, so you can tap the spirit and ideas of your predecessors as well as their knowledge. In this way you will not stray far from the truth, the substantial reality which supports your vision, and your greater goal. Too many people have a big dream and move immediately into action with no research, game plan or developed skills. Take care of these factors so that your ventures can be successful from the beginning.
GENERAL MEANING
This card is usually called the Knight, but in some modern decks appears as the Prince. Traditionally, this card in this suit pictures an overseer of fertility and growth. His period of ascendancy is during the quiet years between conflicts, when everybody can collaborate in raising the collective standard of living. His horse is usually huge and thickset, more suitable to pulling a plow than riding swiftly into battle. His temperament is easygoing and relaxed, he's moving at the rate of the flow, because he knows that you can't hurry time.
Seeing the bigger picture, like a farmer planning for the future, he doesn't allow momentary fads or fancies to distract him, and he doesn't take seriously those who do. One can feel his stability and dedication -- he is totally responsible and even somewhat predictable when it comes to his projects. He is earthy and gentle, as simple and deep as the soil he tills and the flowers he loves.
Foundation: Five of Coins
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Your affairs work out best when they are done in partnership with others.
The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background that have an effect on your capacity for inner and outer peace.
The Five of Coins in this position suggests that you are most successful when you form alliances. Your background taught you team dynamics -- how to think in terms of "we" instead of "I."
This is a great advantage for you because it provides a valuable foundation for your current endeavors. If you are in some sort of business enterprise or an important personal relationship, be sure to choose partners who are your equals in skills and commitment. Once you have accomplished that, you will be able to trust enough to delegate.
Note: In the English decks, like the Rider-Waite, the sickly poor freezing outside a well-lit church warn of the painful outcomes of bad choices, rather than focusing on the dynamic tension of the choosing itself, as in the traditional Continental decks.
GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often named "Coins" or "Pentacles", is a symbol for a magical talisman that represented wealth or potential. This suit represents something supportive that is available to you -- whether it be health, some kind of talent, a material or financial resource.
The Five of this suit is the card of desire and gratification, expressed in classical tradition as flattery and false promises. This card represents both the seducer and the one seduced. There is undeniable excitement in the attraction of opposites; we have all had delightful moments of magnetism with a stranger. However, if promises are only spoken to achieve short-term gratification with no intent of follow-through, or the attraction appears as competition to more fulfilling relationships, the long-term result won't be worth the thrill of the chase.
The appearance of a viable relationship does not always bear out, so don't put anything of real value at risk over an infatuation. Since the suit here is Coins, this is as likely to be related to business as to pleasure. Try to remove the influence of glamour from your thinking.
Note: In the English decks, like the Rider-Waite, the sickly poor freezing outside a well lit church warn of the painful outcomes of bad choices, rather than focusing on the dynamic tension of the choosing itself, as in the traditional Continental decks.
Recent Past: Strength
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You have passed a test of self-control and personal mastery. Now you can proceed with confidence.
The card in the Recent Past position refers to events in your life that are departing, recently influential but now diminishing in their power to affect you. You can rise above the conflicts of the past!
See yourself as a sort of lion tamer -- in other words, as someone who is able to sublimate and channel their instincts and impulsive tendencies. You've gained significant self-esteem from the strong way you responded to pressure and necessity. You can be disciplined, focused and firm.
This new knowledge of your capability helps you step into the present with more self-assurance and confidence in your spiritual maturity. You have passed a test that stymies many. You deserve whatever recognition your efforts may have inspired.
GENERAL MEANING
What has traditionally been known as the Strength card represents Nature which, however wild in its primal form, is tamed by our subtler, finer (feminine, interior) self. The will and passion of our instinctive nature does not need to be broken, but refined and brought to consciousness -- so that all levels of Creation, inner and outer, may come into harmony.
The feminine soul-force contains a persuasive power that can nurture and induce cooperation from others, stilling disruptive energies by harmonizing differences in the spirit of collective good will.
Higher Power: Two of Cups
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You can benefit by adjusting your situation to accommodate your most significant relationship.
The card in the Higher Power position represents your highest intention and ideals with respect to the development of peace -- within yourself and in your world.
When the Two of Cups comes up in this position, you are being led into deeper intimacy (with the approval and support of your Higher Power). The spiritual component to your relationship is compelling enough to prompt a blessing from your spiritual side. Still, this doesn't guarantee a long-term commitment. Only experience and time will show if that is meant to be.
No one can predict what your Destiny has in store for you. Nevertheless, the Two of Cups here encourages you to flow with it, get more involved, and not look back. This situation holds great promise. If someone has the potential to be your primary partner, it's well worth whatever personal adjustments you might have to make to fit such a special relationship into your life.
GENERAL MEANING
The Two in this suit signifies a union of souls. This card traditionally describes a romantic relationship, but also includes the idea that all good friendships and partnerships are based on a natural affinity and a deep mutual understanding. As a personal reflection, it can also signify that your mind and your soul are discovering each other, maybe for the first time.
This card also symbolizes a karmic tie, often portrayed by a wreath or figure eight ribbon twining around the two cups. Occasionally you see a symbol referring to the union of alchemical opposites (as in sacred sex), pictured as a long-necked flask twined with serpents -- sometimes with wings -- spouting flames. This image is from Alchemy, indicating the refining and mutually completing effect of a true and lasting love.
Developments: Six of Wands
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Timing and conditions will soon be right for some stimulating personal and collective success.
The card in the Developments position shows which way your efforts to achieve harmony seem to be headed. By making skillful choices, you can improve on or neutralize possible conflicts, including those within yourself.
When the Six of Wands is in this position, a challenging opportunity has aroused the competence and special abilities of you or your group. This is great timing because you know you have recently been reaching a peak--personally and as a team. Everything is clicking. Your combined talents in this situation are synergistic. As a team you can do no wrong. For the moment, everything seems golden.
What you may not be noticing is that within the group you may be thought of as the coach and fearless leader. You may think you are just having fun, but others know they couldn't pull this off without you. Relax and enjoy the moment when you are given the laurel wreath for the special role you have played in the victory. This is only your due. Do not let an excess of humbleness rob you of the joy of being recognized for an important contribution.
GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking.
The Six of this suit points to the respect and acknowledgment due to you for your efforts to solve the problems of your community. The image is usually that of a victory parade, after the celebrated leader has helped the troops win a pivotal battle.
It took the whole tribe to win the victory, of course, but it was the leader's heroism and clarity under pressure that inspired them to overcome. The team is thrilled that the leader led them to victory. This card points to a time to let everyone relax and celebrate -- if you are the leader, even let them lionize you for awhile. They are seeing reflected in you their own better selves -- a victory indeed!
Lesson: Knight of Cups
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You cannot resolve the situation until you heal the problem within.
The card in the Lesson position represents the personal investment or sacrifice required to achieve inner and outer peace.
The Knight of Cups (in some decks, a Prince) in this position requires that you outgrow the win/lose paradigm of competitive Western civilization. Replace self-righteous aggressiveness with humility and generosity. When you are tempted to misuse your power, lay down your weaponry instead, and offer up a cup of peace.
This Prince has been in the battlefield too long, yet he has finally come to understand there is a better way. First, he had to come to peace within himself, before his cup of peace could heal rifts between others. Drink from that cup, and then begin to serve it to those around you who are still fighting.
GENERAL MEANING
This card is traditionally entitled the Knight, but in some modern decks appears as the Prince. Traditionally, this card in this suit has pictured a homecoming -- portraying a return to his true heart's home after a long journey. Like the prodigal son, he may be returning after long estrangement from all he holds dear.
His taste for adventure is exhausted -- there is no more romanticizing of battles or travel in strange lands. Now he wants to go where he will be recognized, wanted and welcome -- where he doesn't have to fight at every turn. He has the attitude of one who has become older and wiser, the prodigal son.
Allies: The Hanged Man
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
A change in perspective gives you an opportunity to clear your senses and reevaluate the situation.
The card in the Allies position points to people who can be supportive of your commitment to peace at this time.
The Hanged Man card in this position suggests that your loved ones are doing you a favor by stringing you up and stripping you of everything that is false and illusory about you. Those who are true friends would like to see you empty your head, empty your agenda, empty your hands and just be with yourself for awhile with no need to act out.
It may feel a bit like bondage in the short run, but a period of enforced passiveness gives you time to rethink what is going on around you and contemplate different approaches. By the time they come to cut you down, you will want to thank those who hung you up for giving you an opportunity to deeply reflect and evolve your viewpoint.
GENERAL MEANING
Traditionally, the card known as the Hanged Man usually indicates a lack of ability to help oneself through independent action. This energy is arrested and awaiting judgment. With this card, there is no avenue for the will to regain control until the situation has passed.
This represents a good time to be philosophical, to study and meditate upon the position you find yourself in, and form resolutions for the moment you become free again. Only those who possess wisdom, patience and optimism will be able to see through limitations, including possible humiliation, to grasp the inspiring lesson one can gain from such an experience.
Advice: The Tower
© Tarot.com
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Welcome whatever changes come about in your life.
The card in the Advice position offers guidance regarding how you relate to your path of cultivating inner and outer peace. With wisdom as your guide, you can make a difference!
With the Tower in this position, think of yourself as a walking lightning rod, conducting a transformational charge to whatever and whomever you come into contact with. This self-sacrificing role will be stressful, but you can bring some value to this difficult transition. Accept the challenge of being a forerunner as a mercy to your friends and family.
Because you sense this radical change has already been unleashed, you can model for friends and family the grace of no longer resisting it. Now, you are at the forefront, benefiting from the bracing presence of evolutionary energies. This is partially happening because of your desire to help bring in a better future.
GENERAL MEANING
In practically all renditions of the Tower card, disaster is striking or has just struck. The demons of madness and despair are released from ancient hiding places, and nature conspires with human failings to destabilize a society. The upheaval is collective and impersonal. Let us remember these images were created for the educated nobles and clergy -- reminding them that they have the most to lose if the hierarchy is toppled.
Lightning is a fitting karmic payback for the guilt of those whose fortunes come from the exploitation or abuse of others. A modern subtitle might be "Revolution," indicating that through drastic social change oppressed people can find renewed hope of better times. The Tower experience comes like a flash of lightning to topple the hierarchy of the old order, after which everyone can have a fresh start on a more equal footing.
Potentials: The Devil
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Find the few things that really matter and passionately pursue them, excluding all distractions.
The card in the long-term Potentials position points to unknowns still taking shape. Perhaps it represents a "wild card" yet to be played.
The Devil card in this position points to the great potential you have to develop a powerful magnetism to attract what you want. You have an opportunity to harness your innate passion and natural charisma to become a powerful influence in your environment.
This will require self discipline -- not only to stay in touch with the passion that drives you, but also to master it so it doesn't race madly ahead or spiral downwards into addiction. Strive to become an authentic human being who is responsive to life's creative potential. Anything less will be flat and uninteresting. Be patient, such developments can't happen overnight. But it is available to you and you will feel much happier when you have won your way to that freedom.
GENERAL MEANING
What has traditionally been known as the Devil card expresses the realm of the Taboo, the culturally rejected wildness and undigested shadow side that each of us carries in our subconscious. This shadow is actually at the core of our being, which we cannot get rid of and will never succeed in taming. From its earliest versions, which portrayed a vampire-demon, this card evoked the Church-fueled fear that a person could "lose their soul" to wild and passionate forces.
The image which emerged in the mid-1700's gives us a more sophisticated rendition -- that of the "scapegoated Goddess," whose esoteric name is Baphomet. Volcanic reserves of passion and primal desire empower her efforts to overcome the pressure of stereotyped roles and experience true freedom of soul. Tavaglione's highly evolved image (Stella deck) portrays the magical formula for harnessing and transmuting primal and obsessive emotions into transformative energies. As a part of the Gnostic message of Tarot, this fearsome passion and power must be reintegrated into the personality, to fuel the soul's passage from mortal to immortal.
Illustrations by permission of U.S. Games Systems, Inc. Stamford Ct, USA. Copyright U.S. Games Systems. Except as used to display a Visionary Networks' Tarot reading, further reproduction prohibited. This beautiful image, scanned with permission from U.S. Games, is based on a Tarot Deck available for purchase at USGamesInc.com.
This reading is based on the work of Tarot Expert Christine Payne-Towler and Tarot.com ©1998 - 2006. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2006, Tarot.com
The Peace and Harmony reading
The Peace and Harmony reading covers myriad aspects of your spiritual evolution -- from the influences of your higher self to internal elements of blockage or obstacle. It can be useful for evaluating the path of service you choose to follow, and it will offer you insights and advice to help you on your way.
Your Interpretations
Self: Seven of Wands
© Tarot.com
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
With such a positive attitude and strong potential, you are primed to achieve your best yet on the path toward lasting peace.
The card in the Self position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now, including how at peace you are with and within yourself.
The Seven of Wands in this position indicates you are getting ready for a moment of inner triumph. You have trained for it through the hard work of reflection and self-examination and are at the peak of your spiritual potential. This makes you a winner even if others do not notice.
With such a positive attitude and obviously strong potentials so carefully and quietly cultivated, you are bound to make a strong and decisive contribution.
GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking.
The Seven of this suit generally shows a person who is nearly always successful in working her or his will in the world. This is a person who is truly gifted, standing head and shoulders above the rest, a standard-setter and exemplar that exceeds previous conceptions of what is possible.
In historical Tarot, this person would most likely be portrayed as an admired and feared warrior who has vanquished his adversaries against all odds, but nowadays such an outstanding feat could just as easily apply to the world of the media, politics or business.
Beware of creeping smugness that can be hinted at by this card. Being successful does not make you invincible, and it does not protect you against errors! Enjoy your "fifteen minutes of fame" and then get back to your tasks, or your head will swell, to the detriment of your ability to succeed again.
Situation: Page of Wands
© Tarot.com
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Change will escalate rapidly. Be quick to participate but try to maintain an attitude of peacefulness.
The Situation position refers to the general set of influences that surround you and affect your personal experience of peace. We all have to deal with conflict and are affected by the process.
When the Page of Wands (in some decks, a Princess) is in this position, change is in the air. News may have been released about developing events that could put stress on your comfortable, established routine and rhythm. It could represent a change in the power structure, a new goal or perhaps a turn of events that will catch you by surprise. Whatever it is, be prepared to participate compassionately in the wave of the future. Change will escalate quickly.
This is not necessarily a negative development, however, so do not let anything derail your participation as a messenger of peace. The essential thing to remember now is that you are to respond actively, rather than retreat and wait.
GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking.
This card is traditionally entitled the Page, but in some modern decks appears as a Princess. This archetype is that of a unique individual, a nonconformist, often something of a bohemian, definitely independent by nature. He or she requires little in the way of affirmation or approval. Perhaps a malcontent, often an innovator or inventor, the energy represented by this card will only serve others until she or he figures out how to get others to serve her/him.
His freedom is so important to him that he would rather go as a peasant among strangers than inherit a fortune with strings attached. Don't be fooled by his humble appearance. He is a future captain of industry or world leader, now serving his apprenticeship. He's sometimes seen planting his staff like a flagpole into the earth, out in the wilderness where he can start fresh, without having to make any compromises. You could think of this card as a wild card.
Challenges/ Opportunities: Knight of Coins
© Tarot.com
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Do your homework. Gain a thorough and deep understanding of your situation and devise a workable plan to see it through.
The card in the Challenges/Opportunities position reflects how you can use creativity and skill to turn conflicts into harmonious understanding.
With the Knight of Coins (in some decks, The Prince) in this position, you are being asked to go to the roots of things. So, start from the beginning and gain some experience to match your intellectual grasp of the situation. Temper whatever power you possess with patience and sensitivity to detail.
It would be wise to steep yourself in the traditions of your field or clan, so you can tap the spirit and ideas of your predecessors as well as their knowledge. In this way you will not stray far from the truth, the substantial reality which supports your vision, and your greater goal. Too many people have a big dream and move immediately into action with no research, game plan or developed skills. Take care of these factors so that your ventures can be successful from the beginning.
GENERAL MEANING
This card is usually called the Knight, but in some modern decks appears as the Prince. Traditionally, this card in this suit pictures an overseer of fertility and growth. His period of ascendancy is during the quiet years between conflicts, when everybody can collaborate in raising the collective standard of living. His horse is usually huge and thickset, more suitable to pulling a plow than riding swiftly into battle. His temperament is easygoing and relaxed, he's moving at the rate of the flow, because he knows that you can't hurry time.
Seeing the bigger picture, like a farmer planning for the future, he doesn't allow momentary fads or fancies to distract him, and he doesn't take seriously those who do. One can feel his stability and dedication -- he is totally responsible and even somewhat predictable when it comes to his projects. He is earthy and gentle, as simple and deep as the soil he tills and the flowers he loves.
Foundation: Five of Coins
© Tarot.com
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Your affairs work out best when they are done in partnership with others.
The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background that have an effect on your capacity for inner and outer peace.
The Five of Coins in this position suggests that you are most successful when you form alliances. Your background taught you team dynamics -- how to think in terms of "we" instead of "I."
This is a great advantage for you because it provides a valuable foundation for your current endeavors. If you are in some sort of business enterprise or an important personal relationship, be sure to choose partners who are your equals in skills and commitment. Once you have accomplished that, you will be able to trust enough to delegate.
Note: In the English decks, like the Rider-Waite, the sickly poor freezing outside a well-lit church warn of the painful outcomes of bad choices, rather than focusing on the dynamic tension of the choosing itself, as in the traditional Continental decks.
GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often named "Coins" or "Pentacles", is a symbol for a magical talisman that represented wealth or potential. This suit represents something supportive that is available to you -- whether it be health, some kind of talent, a material or financial resource.
The Five of this suit is the card of desire and gratification, expressed in classical tradition as flattery and false promises. This card represents both the seducer and the one seduced. There is undeniable excitement in the attraction of opposites; we have all had delightful moments of magnetism with a stranger. However, if promises are only spoken to achieve short-term gratification with no intent of follow-through, or the attraction appears as competition to more fulfilling relationships, the long-term result won't be worth the thrill of the chase.
The appearance of a viable relationship does not always bear out, so don't put anything of real value at risk over an infatuation. Since the suit here is Coins, this is as likely to be related to business as to pleasure. Try to remove the influence of glamour from your thinking.
Note: In the English decks, like the Rider-Waite, the sickly poor freezing outside a well lit church warn of the painful outcomes of bad choices, rather than focusing on the dynamic tension of the choosing itself, as in the traditional Continental decks.
Recent Past: Strength
© Tarot.com
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You have passed a test of self-control and personal mastery. Now you can proceed with confidence.
The card in the Recent Past position refers to events in your life that are departing, recently influential but now diminishing in their power to affect you. You can rise above the conflicts of the past!
See yourself as a sort of lion tamer -- in other words, as someone who is able to sublimate and channel their instincts and impulsive tendencies. You've gained significant self-esteem from the strong way you responded to pressure and necessity. You can be disciplined, focused and firm.
This new knowledge of your capability helps you step into the present with more self-assurance and confidence in your spiritual maturity. You have passed a test that stymies many. You deserve whatever recognition your efforts may have inspired.
GENERAL MEANING
What has traditionally been known as the Strength card represents Nature which, however wild in its primal form, is tamed by our subtler, finer (feminine, interior) self. The will and passion of our instinctive nature does not need to be broken, but refined and brought to consciousness -- so that all levels of Creation, inner and outer, may come into harmony.
The feminine soul-force contains a persuasive power that can nurture and induce cooperation from others, stilling disruptive energies by harmonizing differences in the spirit of collective good will.
Higher Power: Two of Cups
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You can benefit by adjusting your situation to accommodate your most significant relationship.
The card in the Higher Power position represents your highest intention and ideals with respect to the development of peace -- within yourself and in your world.
When the Two of Cups comes up in this position, you are being led into deeper intimacy (with the approval and support of your Higher Power). The spiritual component to your relationship is compelling enough to prompt a blessing from your spiritual side. Still, this doesn't guarantee a long-term commitment. Only experience and time will show if that is meant to be.
No one can predict what your Destiny has in store for you. Nevertheless, the Two of Cups here encourages you to flow with it, get more involved, and not look back. This situation holds great promise. If someone has the potential to be your primary partner, it's well worth whatever personal adjustments you might have to make to fit such a special relationship into your life.
GENERAL MEANING
The Two in this suit signifies a union of souls. This card traditionally describes a romantic relationship, but also includes the idea that all good friendships and partnerships are based on a natural affinity and a deep mutual understanding. As a personal reflection, it can also signify that your mind and your soul are discovering each other, maybe for the first time.
This card also symbolizes a karmic tie, often portrayed by a wreath or figure eight ribbon twining around the two cups. Occasionally you see a symbol referring to the union of alchemical opposites (as in sacred sex), pictured as a long-necked flask twined with serpents -- sometimes with wings -- spouting flames. This image is from Alchemy, indicating the refining and mutually completing effect of a true and lasting love.
Developments: Six of Wands
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Timing and conditions will soon be right for some stimulating personal and collective success.
The card in the Developments position shows which way your efforts to achieve harmony seem to be headed. By making skillful choices, you can improve on or neutralize possible conflicts, including those within yourself.
When the Six of Wands is in this position, a challenging opportunity has aroused the competence and special abilities of you or your group. This is great timing because you know you have recently been reaching a peak--personally and as a team. Everything is clicking. Your combined talents in this situation are synergistic. As a team you can do no wrong. For the moment, everything seems golden.
What you may not be noticing is that within the group you may be thought of as the coach and fearless leader. You may think you are just having fun, but others know they couldn't pull this off without you. Relax and enjoy the moment when you are given the laurel wreath for the special role you have played in the victory. This is only your due. Do not let an excess of humbleness rob you of the joy of being recognized for an important contribution.
GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking.
The Six of this suit points to the respect and acknowledgment due to you for your efforts to solve the problems of your community. The image is usually that of a victory parade, after the celebrated leader has helped the troops win a pivotal battle.
It took the whole tribe to win the victory, of course, but it was the leader's heroism and clarity under pressure that inspired them to overcome. The team is thrilled that the leader led them to victory. This card points to a time to let everyone relax and celebrate -- if you are the leader, even let them lionize you for awhile. They are seeing reflected in you their own better selves -- a victory indeed!
Lesson: Knight of Cups
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You cannot resolve the situation until you heal the problem within.
The card in the Lesson position represents the personal investment or sacrifice required to achieve inner and outer peace.
The Knight of Cups (in some decks, a Prince) in this position requires that you outgrow the win/lose paradigm of competitive Western civilization. Replace self-righteous aggressiveness with humility and generosity. When you are tempted to misuse your power, lay down your weaponry instead, and offer up a cup of peace.
This Prince has been in the battlefield too long, yet he has finally come to understand there is a better way. First, he had to come to peace within himself, before his cup of peace could heal rifts between others. Drink from that cup, and then begin to serve it to those around you who are still fighting.
GENERAL MEANING
This card is traditionally entitled the Knight, but in some modern decks appears as the Prince. Traditionally, this card in this suit has pictured a homecoming -- portraying a return to his true heart's home after a long journey. Like the prodigal son, he may be returning after long estrangement from all he holds dear.
His taste for adventure is exhausted -- there is no more romanticizing of battles or travel in strange lands. Now he wants to go where he will be recognized, wanted and welcome -- where he doesn't have to fight at every turn. He has the attitude of one who has become older and wiser, the prodigal son.
Allies: The Hanged Man
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
A change in perspective gives you an opportunity to clear your senses and reevaluate the situation.
The card in the Allies position points to people who can be supportive of your commitment to peace at this time.
The Hanged Man card in this position suggests that your loved ones are doing you a favor by stringing you up and stripping you of everything that is false and illusory about you. Those who are true friends would like to see you empty your head, empty your agenda, empty your hands and just be with yourself for awhile with no need to act out.
It may feel a bit like bondage in the short run, but a period of enforced passiveness gives you time to rethink what is going on around you and contemplate different approaches. By the time they come to cut you down, you will want to thank those who hung you up for giving you an opportunity to deeply reflect and evolve your viewpoint.
GENERAL MEANING
Traditionally, the card known as the Hanged Man usually indicates a lack of ability to help oneself through independent action. This energy is arrested and awaiting judgment. With this card, there is no avenue for the will to regain control until the situation has passed.
This represents a good time to be philosophical, to study and meditate upon the position you find yourself in, and form resolutions for the moment you become free again. Only those who possess wisdom, patience and optimism will be able to see through limitations, including possible humiliation, to grasp the inspiring lesson one can gain from such an experience.
Advice: The Tower
© Tarot.com
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Welcome whatever changes come about in your life.
The card in the Advice position offers guidance regarding how you relate to your path of cultivating inner and outer peace. With wisdom as your guide, you can make a difference!
With the Tower in this position, think of yourself as a walking lightning rod, conducting a transformational charge to whatever and whomever you come into contact with. This self-sacrificing role will be stressful, but you can bring some value to this difficult transition. Accept the challenge of being a forerunner as a mercy to your friends and family.
Because you sense this radical change has already been unleashed, you can model for friends and family the grace of no longer resisting it. Now, you are at the forefront, benefiting from the bracing presence of evolutionary energies. This is partially happening because of your desire to help bring in a better future.
GENERAL MEANING
In practically all renditions of the Tower card, disaster is striking or has just struck. The demons of madness and despair are released from ancient hiding places, and nature conspires with human failings to destabilize a society. The upheaval is collective and impersonal. Let us remember these images were created for the educated nobles and clergy -- reminding them that they have the most to lose if the hierarchy is toppled.
Lightning is a fitting karmic payback for the guilt of those whose fortunes come from the exploitation or abuse of others. A modern subtitle might be "Revolution," indicating that through drastic social change oppressed people can find renewed hope of better times. The Tower experience comes like a flash of lightning to topple the hierarchy of the old order, after which everyone can have a fresh start on a more equal footing.
Potentials: The Devil
© Tarot.com
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Find the few things that really matter and passionately pursue them, excluding all distractions.
The card in the long-term Potentials position points to unknowns still taking shape. Perhaps it represents a "wild card" yet to be played.
The Devil card in this position points to the great potential you have to develop a powerful magnetism to attract what you want. You have an opportunity to harness your innate passion and natural charisma to become a powerful influence in your environment.
This will require self discipline -- not only to stay in touch with the passion that drives you, but also to master it so it doesn't race madly ahead or spiral downwards into addiction. Strive to become an authentic human being who is responsive to life's creative potential. Anything less will be flat and uninteresting. Be patient, such developments can't happen overnight. But it is available to you and you will feel much happier when you have won your way to that freedom.
GENERAL MEANING
What has traditionally been known as the Devil card expresses the realm of the Taboo, the culturally rejected wildness and undigested shadow side that each of us carries in our subconscious. This shadow is actually at the core of our being, which we cannot get rid of and will never succeed in taming. From its earliest versions, which portrayed a vampire-demon, this card evoked the Church-fueled fear that a person could "lose their soul" to wild and passionate forces.
The image which emerged in the mid-1700's gives us a more sophisticated rendition -- that of the "scapegoated Goddess," whose esoteric name is Baphomet. Volcanic reserves of passion and primal desire empower her efforts to overcome the pressure of stereotyped roles and experience true freedom of soul. Tavaglione's highly evolved image (Stella deck) portrays the magical formula for harnessing and transmuting primal and obsessive emotions into transformative energies. As a part of the Gnostic message of Tarot, this fearsome passion and power must be reintegrated into the personality, to fuel the soul's passage from mortal to immortal.
Illustrations by permission of U.S. Games Systems, Inc. Stamford Ct, USA. Copyright U.S. Games Systems. Except as used to display a Visionary Networks' Tarot reading, further reproduction prohibited. This beautiful image, scanned with permission from U.S. Games, is based on a Tarot Deck available for purchase at USGamesInc.com.
This reading is based on the work of Tarot Expert Christine Payne-Towler and Tarot.com ©1998 - 2006. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2006, Tarot.com
Friday, November 17, 2006
My appendix was removed!
with it also my heart...
wow...who knew...that nagging pain i had was appendicitis...it hurt soo bad..and the experience of being on an operating table was...not to be experienced again any time soon i hope...
its juat like in the movies..where u see all those lights flashing as they pushed u to the operating room, the humiliation of being naked in a room full of strangers...and the worst? still being awake when they inserted the tube inside ur throat.. im still recuperating at home..the best thing is i got 2 weeks of sick leave..and...i lost weight alot...sue to the fact..that i have to fast before and after operation...then on liquid diet for two whole days.... but i have a big ugly scar on my tummy and it still hurts when i laughed aloud or cough..which i did a lot..the coughing..not the laughing... got a bit of a flu... when i sneeze its hell...man this hurts... but at least im up and about now...thank god for that....
now the most important that flashed tru my mind..or dream..i dont know which..was my boyfriend..or my ex boyfriend..even though i had fooled myself that he has good qualities..but now i have confirmed that i was stupid, stupid stupid for loving him. the reason? hmmm cant you guess? he did not even come down to see me..he doesnt realize that i could die that day.. when he called..that was after i called him, he said he'll wait for me to get better... hundreds of people called me everyday to ask me how i am...and he doesnt even bother to call...then he said..HES GOT HIS OWN PROBLEM..ohmygod... i just cudnt take it anymore.... i decided to leave him, but i didnt tell him, wat for? he doesnt really call anyway...he only wanted me when im healthy, fun, not give him any problem..now what kind of relationship will that be? where are my needs? of all the selfish people out there...hmmm... i dont want think about it...but i have to..so now..i decided to ignore him, if he calls ill answer, i can act...but i will never think bout him anymore and i have considered my self single from now on..there....i feel better....
wow...who knew...that nagging pain i had was appendicitis...it hurt soo bad..and the experience of being on an operating table was...not to be experienced again any time soon i hope...
its juat like in the movies..where u see all those lights flashing as they pushed u to the operating room, the humiliation of being naked in a room full of strangers...and the worst? still being awake when they inserted the tube inside ur throat.. im still recuperating at home..the best thing is i got 2 weeks of sick leave..and...i lost weight alot...sue to the fact..that i have to fast before and after operation...then on liquid diet for two whole days.... but i have a big ugly scar on my tummy and it still hurts when i laughed aloud or cough..which i did a lot..the coughing..not the laughing... got a bit of a flu... when i sneeze its hell...man this hurts... but at least im up and about now...thank god for that....
now the most important that flashed tru my mind..or dream..i dont know which..was my boyfriend..or my ex boyfriend..even though i had fooled myself that he has good qualities..but now i have confirmed that i was stupid, stupid stupid for loving him. the reason? hmmm cant you guess? he did not even come down to see me..he doesnt realize that i could die that day.. when he called..that was after i called him, he said he'll wait for me to get better... hundreds of people called me everyday to ask me how i am...and he doesnt even bother to call...then he said..HES GOT HIS OWN PROBLEM..ohmygod... i just cudnt take it anymore.... i decided to leave him, but i didnt tell him, wat for? he doesnt really call anyway...he only wanted me when im healthy, fun, not give him any problem..now what kind of relationship will that be? where are my needs? of all the selfish people out there...hmmm... i dont want think about it...but i have to..so now..i decided to ignore him, if he calls ill answer, i can act...but i will never think bout him anymore and i have considered my self single from now on..there....i feel better....
Monday, October 23, 2006
hate myself for loving you...
i hate myself from loving him!
hate hate hate hate hate....
why why why do i still puts up with this very selfish guy?
why do i still clamors for even a little bit of his attention?
why do all..okay...some..women still do this..we are educated, independent self sufficient women but still falls head over heels with this type of guy?
answer:
because we cant find anyone else
because deep down we know we are imperfect, not capable of finding good guys, can't cook, not good looking enough,
NOT LOVABLE
because watever all women say we dont really need a man..we want a man, and we know only this type, the needy, the abusive,the selfish, that wants us, maybe not for the right reasons, but they wants us in our life.
i blame the society, where in this place, tho we have skyscrapers, jets, been to the moon and back, a woman without a man is still considered flawed, cacat...
a woman who does not contribute in procreation is likened to a leper...tho no one will ever say this out loud..but thats everyones is thinking!
ive been brainwashed...
but we are wired biologically to have mates rite? so why is it soo hard to find a good guy? not handsome, not rich, no.
it's me isnt it..im flawed, because ive been to one of those dating sites..and believe me, those guys in there are soo demanding, they want good looking girls... nice looking girls..beautiful girls...how dare they wrote those things..have they looked in front of the mirror lately? wat if i were to write that..handsome guys only, no chubby, short, too tall..too dark, too skinny, muscular guys with big **** only..how would they feel looking at my not so good looking pic?
ive been convincing myself for 4 years that i will show my guy that deep inside, im good for him, in fact, he knows it, but he still tried to convince himself theres somebody out there thats better for him, but, he doesnt want to let me go, because i fullfill him, emotionally, and watever he needs fullfilling, but when i wanted some TLC, some encouragement, he couldnt handle it, and im forced to be happy with crumbs, and then when i voice it out, he said that im ungrateful, that ive changed that i did not keep my promise... hes wrong for me rite?? rite??
but................
there is no one else out there...is there?
hate hate hate hate hate....
why why why do i still puts up with this very selfish guy?
why do i still clamors for even a little bit of his attention?
why do all..okay...some..women still do this..we are educated, independent self sufficient women but still falls head over heels with this type of guy?
answer:
because we cant find anyone else
because deep down we know we are imperfect, not capable of finding good guys, can't cook, not good looking enough,
NOT LOVABLE
because watever all women say we dont really need a man..we want a man, and we know only this type, the needy, the abusive,the selfish, that wants us, maybe not for the right reasons, but they wants us in our life.
i blame the society, where in this place, tho we have skyscrapers, jets, been to the moon and back, a woman without a man is still considered flawed, cacat...
a woman who does not contribute in procreation is likened to a leper...tho no one will ever say this out loud..but thats everyones is thinking!
ive been brainwashed...
but we are wired biologically to have mates rite? so why is it soo hard to find a good guy? not handsome, not rich, no.
it's me isnt it..im flawed, because ive been to one of those dating sites..and believe me, those guys in there are soo demanding, they want good looking girls... nice looking girls..beautiful girls...how dare they wrote those things..have they looked in front of the mirror lately? wat if i were to write that..handsome guys only, no chubby, short, too tall..too dark, too skinny, muscular guys with big **** only..how would they feel looking at my not so good looking pic?
ive been convincing myself for 4 years that i will show my guy that deep inside, im good for him, in fact, he knows it, but he still tried to convince himself theres somebody out there thats better for him, but, he doesnt want to let me go, because i fullfill him, emotionally, and watever he needs fullfilling, but when i wanted some TLC, some encouragement, he couldnt handle it, and im forced to be happy with crumbs, and then when i voice it out, he said that im ungrateful, that ive changed that i did not keep my promise... hes wrong for me rite?? rite??
but................
there is no one else out there...is there?
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Selamat Hari Raya
RAya is coming in a week..thats eid-il-fitr for the rest of the world....
to tell you the truth..my family is not much into this raya thing..anyway..not since dad died...
dad left us on raya...hmmm on my birthday nevertheless... so everytime its raya its never really a happy occasion, and we dont have much of extended families..so i guess we will celebrate for an hour...visit my dad's grave and a few close relatives..thats it... back home watch tv, eat then sleep..
pathetic?
hey thats my family...is yours any better?
to tell you the truth..my family is not much into this raya thing..anyway..not since dad died...
dad left us on raya...hmmm on my birthday nevertheless... so everytime its raya its never really a happy occasion, and we dont have much of extended families..so i guess we will celebrate for an hour...visit my dad's grave and a few close relatives..thats it... back home watch tv, eat then sleep..
pathetic?
hey thats my family...is yours any better?
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
dreams dashed...
hey there... guess my wireless dreams at the workplace is dashed babe... but im at the lab..so got somethin to do...
so talking bout dreams dashed... my dreams dashed? haha got no dreams in the first place..i am most probably the laziest bum ever..well at least in my head... hmm.. when i small..i hoped to be a doctor.. but flunked biology, and chemistry and..physics..so...guess not... then hoped to find a prince charming..hmm... then hoped to get a fabulous jet setting job..got stuck in a desk job.. geez this is kinda depressing... maybe next time ill stick to positive things..
ciao..
so talking bout dreams dashed... my dreams dashed? haha got no dreams in the first place..i am most probably the laziest bum ever..well at least in my head... hmm.. when i small..i hoped to be a doctor.. but flunked biology, and chemistry and..physics..so...guess not... then hoped to find a prince charming..hmm... then hoped to get a fabulous jet setting job..got stuck in a desk job.. geez this is kinda depressing... maybe next time ill stick to positive things..
ciao..
Saturday, October 07, 2006
What the hell am i doing
man...i am seriously bored with work and my life...
i do not have anything exciting to do!
i dont travel coz all my friends are married, im not married coz my boyfriend doesnt want to marry me
my job had become routine... it doesnt really excites me anymore...
maybe ill go and do my masters... but..am i really that good?
maybe ill buy a new car....
hmm..so many maybes....
i do not have anything exciting to do!
i dont travel coz all my friends are married, im not married coz my boyfriend doesnt want to marry me
my job had become routine... it doesnt really excites me anymore...
maybe ill go and do my masters... but..am i really that good?
maybe ill buy a new car....
hmm..so many maybes....
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
im baaacckkk......
so guess im back from outer space....
been there done that as they say...
psst... my place just got installed with free internet..so here i am... pretending to type furiously working on my work but actually blogging...i know i know....thousands if not millions of people are doing this rite now...but hey waddaya expect of a country like this? but hey...m happy to be blogging again...so not complaining! wanna an update on my life? where do i start?
boyfriends? work? friends? which is which?
but most important..lessons ive learned
1. dont judge a book by its cover... heheh old but still u can never get enuff lessons like this
2. be prepared..in everything!!
3. expect people to think the worst of you...always....
4. expect people though thinking the worst of you still expect you to produce the best work of the century
well...enough for today..i expect ill be blogging more after this due to free internet! yeee haaa
been there done that as they say...
psst... my place just got installed with free internet..so here i am... pretending to type furiously working on my work but actually blogging...i know i know....thousands if not millions of people are doing this rite now...but hey waddaya expect of a country like this? but hey...m happy to be blogging again...so not complaining! wanna an update on my life? where do i start?
boyfriends? work? friends? which is which?
but most important..lessons ive learned
1. dont judge a book by its cover... heheh old but still u can never get enuff lessons like this
2. be prepared..in everything!!
3. expect people to think the worst of you...always....
4. expect people though thinking the worst of you still expect you to produce the best work of the century
well...enough for today..i expect ill be blogging more after this due to free internet! yeee haaa
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Blog entry 3 july 2006
Hi, im at my workplace and im going to post this when I can. I feel seriously depressed today. When I was down with fever 2 days ago, my so called boyfriend never calls. Is it my fault? Its his rite? I told him I was sick, he called for ten seconds the first day then after that nothing! Zilch, nada, hmm… I don’t really know what to do… all the people I ask tell me I should leave him, but why cant I leave him? Am I that desperate to have a partner? Hes not that good u know. Its just im sick of being single, and alone, but if he treats me like this, like dirt, im sick of this too… im sick of asking for crumbs from him. Well I guess he lied when he said he loves me. I don’t want a ‘sometime’ love! I want an always and forever love… and u know..that thing my friend told me about? Ohh that thing when she said ull find disappointment in marriage? That thing keeps bugging me..i kept thinking bout it, partly I want to know what triggers the statement from her, but more because of … well…is it truly? It quite shatters my illusions, well I know, and I understand, married life is not a bed of roses..hmm maybe it is, cos roses have thorns rite? I mean its not all fun and happy and sexually fulfilled, but, cant I just hold on to some illusion that when we are married we’ll be getting something? I mean.. takkanlaaa..its not that bad is it? Then why the hell people get married? I mean, yesterday I just went to a wedding, and I got invitations up to my ears..(okay ankles) for weddings next month… seems to always be going to someones wedding..when will it ever be mine?
Im trying to find boyfriends but I can never find one, this one keeps coming back even when I have asked him to leave for various offences. I really do not know what he has against women, he sometimes so bent on finding someone to fulfill him that hes obsessed, he becomes selfish, demanding, uncaring, but I knew that when he was with his ex (who broke his heart) hes the opposite! Sometimes I feel like hes abusing me just to see whether I can stand him, then he wants me because im the only one who can stands him. Why cant I get him the first time? Because I know at that time hes the perfect boyfriend, maybe he just doesn’t want me, plain and simple, but where can I get the courage to leave him? My self worth is plummeting.. I feel old, ugly, fat, unworthy of love, hell, when your 26, you shouldn’t be thinking bout this anymore rite? Your supposedly have this confidence, that men will see beyond all that as long as u believe in it. But easier said than done babe………..
Im trying to find boyfriends but I can never find one, this one keeps coming back even when I have asked him to leave for various offences. I really do not know what he has against women, he sometimes so bent on finding someone to fulfill him that hes obsessed, he becomes selfish, demanding, uncaring, but I knew that when he was with his ex (who broke his heart) hes the opposite! Sometimes I feel like hes abusing me just to see whether I can stand him, then he wants me because im the only one who can stands him. Why cant I get him the first time? Because I know at that time hes the perfect boyfriend, maybe he just doesn’t want me, plain and simple, but where can I get the courage to leave him? My self worth is plummeting.. I feel old, ugly, fat, unworthy of love, hell, when your 26, you shouldn’t be thinking bout this anymore rite? Your supposedly have this confidence, that men will see beyond all that as long as u believe in it. But easier said than done babe………..
Thursday, June 29, 2006
baaad day....
god..wat a bad day... i came down with a high fever..and my doc suspected dengue! theres a few cases in my neighbourhood..but nahh... i think its the stress...haha..blam e it on the stress...always...
and..i got a weird message from my best friend..saying something like i shouldnt marry someone if that someone doesnt really love you..bla bla bla... hmm..is my friend hinting i shouldnt accept my boyfriends proposal? anyway...yep he proposed..shouldnt i be more ecstatic? maybe..but...i dont really believe him...anyway..the date is set for another year..so i do not keep my hopes up... anything can happen in a year rite? but that message do got me thinking... and got me scared... yes..my friend managed to get me scared about marriage thank you very much! sheesh.... but come to think of it..some people got problems of their own rite? being in love with each other doesnt solve all problems in marriage rite?
i dont expect much in marriage..my mum says...marriage is a gamble..wise words from a wise woman...
and..i got a weird message from my best friend..saying something like i shouldnt marry someone if that someone doesnt really love you..bla bla bla... hmm..is my friend hinting i shouldnt accept my boyfriends proposal? anyway...yep he proposed..shouldnt i be more ecstatic? maybe..but...i dont really believe him...anyway..the date is set for another year..so i do not keep my hopes up... anything can happen in a year rite? but that message do got me thinking... and got me scared... yes..my friend managed to get me scared about marriage thank you very much! sheesh.... but come to think of it..some people got problems of their own rite? being in love with each other doesnt solve all problems in marriage rite?
i dont expect much in marriage..my mum says...marriage is a gamble..wise words from a wise woman...
Sunday, June 18, 2006
boredom sets in...
boreD! boring...... boredom kingdom...
but hey...
WORLD CUP IS HERE! yes...what u dont think football is for girls? hah.. i do..where else u can watch lots of men with tight butts...hahaha... anyways...the tricks and strategies intrigue me..im fascinated by it..im not a loyal fan..but..i love watching them chase balls around...thats not wrong..rite?
mmm..... beckham....
but..my fav team is still JAPAN...NAKATA forever!!!!
but hey...
WORLD CUP IS HERE! yes...what u dont think football is for girls? hah.. i do..where else u can watch lots of men with tight butts...hahaha... anyways...the tricks and strategies intrigue me..im fascinated by it..im not a loyal fan..but..i love watching them chase balls around...thats not wrong..rite?
mmm..... beckham....
but..my fav team is still JAPAN...NAKATA forever!!!!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
The Book of Loss by Julith Jedamus
i've been reading this book called the book of loss..its a story set in ancient Japan..at first i was thinking why the hell is this writer chose this setting for a story? then i look at the story.. its about two women trying to outdo each other to get the love of a man..so im thinking..if this writer tries to use a modern setting, i dont think this will sell at all...coz..well people wont accept this type of things although....although it does happen in the real world..people just wont admit it...women have been vying for mens attentions for centuries..so..maybe this writer feels if she puts in an ancient setting.itll become more palatable... sellable but at the same time will put forth what is real...hmm..i havent finished it...it kinda bores me..the way its written i mean... first person view is not my kind of thing..but im intrigued by by the issue...lets see...shall we?
Sunday, June 04, 2006
WHAT A GREAT DATE!!
my boyfriend loves me! or...i was hoping he does... hes here! in my hometown.. we went traipsing round the world...or..not the world..but felt like it... we are at our best, in our relationship, when we are travelling in the car... my car...bears witness to tears...laughter...fights..breakups....makeups....feww... i hate him..huh?? hihih....
he makes me feel happy then...hell do somethin stupid...we fight.... then i feel rotten...i will feel more rotten coz ive been soooo happy before...
hmm..hope this time it wont be like this.... hope ill have a permanent one finally.... if not.... I WILL RATHER STAY SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND LIVE WITH A HUNDRED CATS!!!!
hmm... rantings,...... who knows what will happen next?
he makes me feel happy then...hell do somethin stupid...we fight.... then i feel rotten...i will feel more rotten coz ive been soooo happy before...
hmm..hope this time it wont be like this.... hope ill have a permanent one finally.... if not.... I WILL RATHER STAY SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND LIVE WITH A HUNDRED CATS!!!!
hmm... rantings,...... who knows what will happen next?
Friday, June 02, 2006
cintailah bahasa ibundaku!
saje je..penat gak tulis english ni...
bukan ape....terpengaruh dengan bacaan blog yang banyak amat di serata world wide web ni... ramai sangat dari malaysia, seronok juga... tapi kebanyakannya merapu macam aku gak..... so..nak try laa merapu juga dalam bahasa ibunda yang tak berapa betul ni.. aku ni.. bahasa melayu dah kurang betul sebab belajar banyak sangat english...maklumlaa kerjaya dalam bahasa tu... tapi..english tak berapa jadik..bahasa melayu jadi hancur..envy juga tengok blog2 yang gunakan bahasa ibunda ku ..sedap dipandang mata...isk... aku ni...pandai berbahasa pasar je..nasib baik masih ber loghat johor-riau... adala bunyi macam betul....macam ajela...
so kesimpulannya?
belajar bahasa asing untuk maju...tapi jangan tinggalkan bahasa ibunda kerana itu yang mencorak kehidupan...ceewaaaah.....
bukan ape....terpengaruh dengan bacaan blog yang banyak amat di serata world wide web ni... ramai sangat dari malaysia, seronok juga... tapi kebanyakannya merapu macam aku gak..... so..nak try laa merapu juga dalam bahasa ibunda yang tak berapa betul ni.. aku ni.. bahasa melayu dah kurang betul sebab belajar banyak sangat english...maklumlaa kerjaya dalam bahasa tu... tapi..english tak berapa jadik..bahasa melayu jadi hancur..envy juga tengok blog2 yang gunakan bahasa ibunda ku ..sedap dipandang mata...isk... aku ni...pandai berbahasa pasar je..nasib baik masih ber loghat johor-riau... adala bunyi macam betul....macam ajela...
so kesimpulannya?
belajar bahasa asing untuk maju...tapi jangan tinggalkan bahasa ibunda kerana itu yang mencorak kehidupan...ceewaaaah.....
hullo.......
hmmm... i was chatting with strangers the other day..and it suddenly hits me..i lurve flirting... i love the feeling of excitement of getting to know someone the first time...the headiness...the giddiness....the interest for someone... i already know...as an ARIES...i get bored easily...so... i keep on flirting... hey.its a sport.. you have to have skills...and..you learn a lot about human behaviour... i think ill go and take a pschology class... just to make my flirting better...haha you never know....
hmmm... i was chatting with strangers the other day..and it suddenly hits me..i lurve flirting... i love the feeling of excitement of getting to know someone the first time...the headiness...the giddiness....the interest for someone... i already know...as an ARIES...i get bored easily...so... i keep on flirting... hey.its a sport.. you have to have skills...and..you learn a lot about human behaviour... i think ill go and take a pschology class... just to make my flirting better...haha you never know....
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
am i too sensitive?
money..the problem is always about money... cant get married coz not enough money... boyfriend wants to borrow money..gave it to him..already..but still...he made it as if it was my obligation to give it to him... hey... i can give it to him okay...but its quite a lot..so pay me back! wats to be sooo sensitive about? but thats wat u get dealing with money...
hmm...
hmm...
Saturday, May 20, 2006
to be with other guys is more
fun?
i just went for a picnic... with afew friends..one of them is a single guy..hey..this is not saying i wanted him or something..just pondering... kay... i have a boyfriend tho hes so far away.... that i miss the company...i totally understand why he tried to cheat on me once... long story..another day... kay?
anyway... it made me think..i like to think... erm.. i had fun with this guy..because...i was not trying to hit on him.. i was able to relax.show myself..not care watever anyone else think...ironically..we can only do this when we have someone in our life... it made me feel i dont know... how i look in front of this guy coz i am not hitting on him..yeah yeah i know we should be ourselves when we are with a loved one... but at a certain point..u wanna impress him rite? so u wouldnt normally show the 'bad' part of u to him.. dont lie..at some point we all do that... so... my pondering is... no wonder some people are attracted to attached people... they are more relaxed..more confident... well the main reason they are more confident is because they know they are wanted by someone...so the desperate urge to find partners...impress them are non existent...this way..they are more relaxed to show themselves..have fun...be silly..without worrying..oh.. i must look soo stupid in front of this person... or something...
so... will u have more fun in flirting? or in love?
i just went for a picnic... with afew friends..one of them is a single guy..hey..this is not saying i wanted him or something..just pondering... kay... i have a boyfriend tho hes so far away.... that i miss the company...i totally understand why he tried to cheat on me once... long story..another day... kay?
anyway... it made me think..i like to think... erm.. i had fun with this guy..because...i was not trying to hit on him.. i was able to relax.show myself..not care watever anyone else think...ironically..we can only do this when we have someone in our life... it made me feel i dont know... how i look in front of this guy coz i am not hitting on him..yeah yeah i know we should be ourselves when we are with a loved one... but at a certain point..u wanna impress him rite? so u wouldnt normally show the 'bad' part of u to him.. dont lie..at some point we all do that... so... my pondering is... no wonder some people are attracted to attached people... they are more relaxed..more confident... well the main reason they are more confident is because they know they are wanted by someone...so the desperate urge to find partners...impress them are non existent...this way..they are more relaxed to show themselves..have fun...be silly..without worrying..oh.. i must look soo stupid in front of this person... or something...
so... will u have more fun in flirting? or in love?
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Your Soul Number is FOUR.
Responsible, conscientious, and rather serious, you expect to work for what you want in life, and you don't appreciate frivolity, laziness, or inconstancy in other people. You have a strong sense of duty and you need to be productive. You are very capable in practical affairs and may have mechanical abilities.
A well organized, structured, disciplined lifestyle appeals to you and you prefer security to excitement and surprises. You love tradition and don't question the conventions, rules, and methods you were brought up with. You think in clear, simple, practical terms and are honest and square in your dealings with others. Basically conservative, you may distrust the unfamiliar and anything you feel might threaten your orderly and peaceful existence. You never take risks unless you have laid a firm foundation for success. You may lack imagination and the desire to learn new ways. Also, you do not allow yourself to relax and be carefree often enough. Part of the reason for this is that others depend upon your practical abilities so much that when you do have free time, you may find yourself fixing someone's car, helping a friend with their taxes, or doing some other chore. Try to avoid becoming a workaholic. You deserve to play sometimes too!
by astrology.com
i dont think this is me at all.... but hey...this is some cosmic power we're talking bout rite? who am i to judge?
Responsible, conscientious, and rather serious, you expect to work for what you want in life, and you don't appreciate frivolity, laziness, or inconstancy in other people. You have a strong sense of duty and you need to be productive. You are very capable in practical affairs and may have mechanical abilities.
A well organized, structured, disciplined lifestyle appeals to you and you prefer security to excitement and surprises. You love tradition and don't question the conventions, rules, and methods you were brought up with. You think in clear, simple, practical terms and are honest and square in your dealings with others. Basically conservative, you may distrust the unfamiliar and anything you feel might threaten your orderly and peaceful existence. You never take risks unless you have laid a firm foundation for success. You may lack imagination and the desire to learn new ways. Also, you do not allow yourself to relax and be carefree often enough. Part of the reason for this is that others depend upon your practical abilities so much that when you do have free time, you may find yourself fixing someone's car, helping a friend with their taxes, or doing some other chore. Try to avoid becoming a workaholic. You deserve to play sometimes too!
by astrology.com
i dont think this is me at all.... but hey...this is some cosmic power we're talking bout rite? who am i to judge?
Friday, May 12, 2006
hey..
ive been so lazy in writing my blog..i dunno...sometimes.. i feel im too lazy to do anything...
ive a lot to tell ya.. lets see now... okay..i recently went for a course... my department sent me..it has something to do with my confirmation..in my job..
anyway...this course is about instilling love for the country... your job..bla bla bla... ive been to these types of courses before...and frankly its all the same...the speeches..the exercises.... assignments u have to do... we can predict whats next..and kinda bores me,.. but hey...we know its necessary so just bear with it...i dont mind..if it means we can escape work for a week..so be it...
anyways,...this time its held in an outward bounds school..so we have..a bit of rappeling we have to do...running... jungle trekking..all part of team building..or watever...
i was deathly afraid of heights...so when it came to rappeling...i nearly peed my pants off...but hey..i can proudly say...i did it... man...what an experience... wont do that ever again...
heheh...
then theres the 2 km run..i hate physical activities! but i managed it..with the huffing and puffing..all the way up a hill... sheesh...my legs are sore for days after that... but again ..i did it...
the jungle trekking wasnt soo bad.... its not really a jungle we walk thru,... just some shrubs i think... but again..with some huffing and puffing under the scorching midday sun... i did it...
im kinda proud for my self... and... yesterday..i bought two new pair of shoes..heheh..hey a girl should reward herself....
ive been so lazy in writing my blog..i dunno...sometimes.. i feel im too lazy to do anything...
ive a lot to tell ya.. lets see now... okay..i recently went for a course... my department sent me..it has something to do with my confirmation..in my job..
anyway...this course is about instilling love for the country... your job..bla bla bla... ive been to these types of courses before...and frankly its all the same...the speeches..the exercises.... assignments u have to do... we can predict whats next..and kinda bores me,.. but hey...we know its necessary so just bear with it...i dont mind..if it means we can escape work for a week..so be it...
anyways,...this time its held in an outward bounds school..so we have..a bit of rappeling we have to do...running... jungle trekking..all part of team building..or watever...
i was deathly afraid of heights...so when it came to rappeling...i nearly peed my pants off...but hey..i can proudly say...i did it... man...what an experience... wont do that ever again...
heheh...
then theres the 2 km run..i hate physical activities! but i managed it..with the huffing and puffing..all the way up a hill... sheesh...my legs are sore for days after that... but again ..i did it...
the jungle trekking wasnt soo bad.... its not really a jungle we walk thru,... just some shrubs i think... but again..with some huffing and puffing under the scorching midday sun... i did it...
im kinda proud for my self... and... yesterday..i bought two new pair of shoes..heheh..hey a girl should reward herself....
Monday, May 01, 2006
my tarot reading
this is my online tarot reading
its the answer to:
will he marry me?
its the answer to:
will he marry me?
Self: The Empress
 © Tarot.com |
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Your presence, warm and generous, is sought after by those around you.
The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.
The Empress symbolizes harmony, comfort, creativity and wisdom. This Great Mother beckons us with her life-giving support. She is the abundant matrix from which we draw vital life and out of which we individuate.
The Empress exemplifies health and natural joy in the body, the healing arts, music and all things good, true and beautiful. We learn our highest ideals from her. The Empress in this position indicates that you personify something generous, warm and nurturing.
Situation: Two of Cups
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Reason cannot decipher the synergy of this situation because it is happening on a heart level.
The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.
When the Two of Cups is in this position, you are dealing with a situation that may be permeated by a romantic, idealistic and psychically open quality. Such a state of affairs practically suspends the ordinary rules of reason.
It is as if you are operating within a reality where your sensors work better than your logical mind. You may want to feel your way through this situation rather than relying on intellect. It's not that things are doomed to being irrationally erratic. It's just that something in the air transcends logic as psychic, emotional and spiritual energies permeate the atmosphere.
Challenges/ Opportunities: Four of Swords
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Escape to your sanctuary to do some necessary internal work.
The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.
The Four of Swords in this position urges you to find a place and time for quiet reflection. You are probably overstimulated, having made yourself too indispensable. This card represents the tribal, familial or cultural qualities passed to you by your ancestors that mark and define you, that make you the unique individual you are.
Acknowledge how much you have neglected your inner life and resolve to budget time and energy to tend to this vault of treasures. We need to get away from the outer life occasionally to do an internal audit, to create a new strategy, or to envision alternative paths. Without a retreat into quiet time, you cannot expect to marshal our very best resources for the challenges and opportunities ahead. Break away from your preoccupations and find a "cave" for the internal work which may be crucial to emerging developments.
Foundation: Ace of Wands
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
An inborn awareness and strength of purpose will serve you well.
The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background.
The Ace of Wands in this position indicates a long-held strong sense of centeredness coupled with an ability to recognize within yourself what is real and right for you. This is a clear sign that your self-will is intact.
Don't do anything to compromise that natural internal barometer. Your inherent sensibilities will serve you every day of your life, so don't tamper with them.
Recent Past: Ten of Coins
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Your fading attachment to the past gives you an opportunity to mature.
The card in the Recent Past position refers to events that are just departing, recently influential but now diminishing in power.
With the Ten of Coins in this position, you are leaving behind family connections or traditional sources of support and coming into a certain maturity. Your perspective has changed as a result of this shift. You know more of what the wide world holds and you can assume a stronger stance. Your dependence upon the past is fading, and this bodes well for you.
Higher Power: Ace of Cups
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Your current outlook, so full of warmth and approval, is infecting others with a love of life.
The card in the Higher Power position reflects the broader perspective and influence of your conscience, Guardian Angel, inner wisdom.
When the Ace of Cups falls in this position, your Higher Power is blessing you with an abundance of approval. As you feel this powerfully within yourself, your self-respect rises like the level of a lake in spring.
The feeling that you are the right person in the right place at the right time is elating. As your self-esteem increases, the feelings of your heart deepen. This "inner smile" expands the dimensions of your consciousness, awakening you to experience life on a higher frequency. Living life on this level increases your optimism, confidence and generosity -- attracting people to you and your gifts.
Near Future: Seven of Swords
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POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Your deliberate, focused efforts provide a blueprint for the winning mentality necessary in your situation.
The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies.
When the Seven of Swords falls in this position, you have an opportunity to see your life dreams and objectives play out step by step according to the grand plan. As you bring your intended goal into materialization, the one you care about will gain confidence that evolutionary change is possible.
This is not just about successfully completing a challenge. By disciplining your mind, you will be able to apply the kind of insight and attitudes needed to benefit your situation. And, you'll do it without letting yourself be derailed by transient concerns. Continue to demonstrate the clear focus and directed will that serves as an exemplary role model for those around you.
Blocks & Inhibitions: Nine of Wands
 © Tarot.com |
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
There's more to be gained from postponing or sharing the workload than from trying to do it all yourself.
The card in the Blocks position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck -- unless you examine yourself and make some corrections.
When the Nine of Wands falls in this position, it may be time to admit that you are not irreplaceable. The truth is no one person can play all the roles on a team and cover all the bases adequately. You may have been the parent of a brilliant idea, plan or project, but if you aren't able to share the responsibilities and the rewards, you may be prevented from achieving anything at all.
Before it's too late, call in some competent people, turn things over to them, take some time out and regain your objectivity. You can gain more from taking some rest and learning how to trust than you could possibly have produced by trying to do everything yourself.
Allies: Three of Coins
 © Tarot.com |
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Let those who have gone before you illuminate the way.
The card in the Allies position points to people who can be supportive or helpful to you at this time.
The Three of Coins in this position suggests that you call up a role model, living or dead. Reach out to past Masters who represent the evolution of your craft. Study their body of works; stand in their shoes. Then surround yourself with skillful and talented people who embody this spirit of creativity and invention.
Let the spirit of the past Masters challenge and provoke you to expand beyond yourself and develop their qualities within yourself. Reach out to these souls and connect with them in mind and heart if you can't reach them in time and space. Let those who have gone before you show the way.
Advice: The Tower
 © Tarot.com |
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You are the one to serve as a catalyst for change.
The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible.
With the Tower in this position, think of yourself as an agent of transformation. This self-sacrificing role is likely to create stressful situations, especially among your financial advisors and people who have an attachment to how you apply recourses. Your vision shows you that this radical change has already been unleashed by forces much larger than mere mortals, and therefore you are no longer resisting.
Now you may be at the forefront, acknowledging and accepting the bracing presence of the future bursting in on the present. Try to mediate the harsher parts of the changes as they unfold, so the most vulnerable are the most cushioned. Acknowledge yourself, as well as the others in your life, who are offering their resources to usher in a better future.
Long-term Potential: Eight of Coins
 © Tarot.com |
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Long-term success appears to be very possible for someone with your talent.
The card in the Long-term Potential position points to unknowns still taking shape. It is the "wild card" yet to be played.
The Eight of Coins in this position indicates strong talent and ability, which if taken seriously, has the potential to redefine a situation or relationship. With proper long term planning, such talents and skills may prove worthy in the world of commercial endeavors. Good fortune and success may be the result of such innovative vision and creative ideas.
On the other hand, a combination of precision and elegance may hold the key to inspiring a whole school or stylistic movement. Yours is not the talent and vision of just another craftsman. This card generally indicates a multi-dimensional talent. If you should choose to invest in it, then it may reward you handsomely over time. Prepare to take yourself seriously and position yourself for the long term. It benefits you to look for a way of being rewarded according to your worth and to make sure that your talent is visible to people who can appreciate it.
Illustrations by permission of U.S. Games Systems, Inc. Stamford Ct, USA. Copyright U.S. Games Systems. Except as used to display a Visionary Networks' Tarot reading, further reproduction prohibited. This beautiful image, scanned with permission from U.S. Games, is based on a Tarot Deck available for purchase at USGamesInc.com.
This reading is based on the work of Tarot Expert Christine Payne-Towler and Tarot.com ©1998 - 2006. All rights reserved.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
guys in my life
currently..i have three...haha...fun? not really..no...interesting? you can say that....
okay.. here goes
1. my boyfriend
lets call him incubus guy..coz he looks kinda like the lead singer from incubus..not that hes the spawn of satan..tho sometimes...hmm..not sure...
anyways...
2.someone i flirt with at the office and...
3.someone i flirt with online
within these three guys there are all the things that i wanted as my life partner..the thing is..not one of them have all the qualities...all of them have some of the qualities..get it? im sure out there there are lots of women who have these same problem..if only i can perform surgery on them..you know... take out this...put in that... exchange something..A to B.. C to A..oh..you get the idea....
okay... my incubus guy...he's the current love of my life...when im in a good mood.. hes cute..hes funny...he makes me laugh..and that is a very important quality to have in a life partner! he takes care of me..but... he has this bouts of depression...then he went to his cave..for weeks...sheesh..he'll brood..and moan the world is against him..yadayadayada.... he's a scorpio..most of them are like that...but i cant stand it! becoz itll take weeks! at that time i'll be left alone...wats the fun in that rite?
well.. becoz he broods too much..i started flirting..hell...i need to do something in my spare time... now this guy..is younger than me..a junior in the office..but..he likes to flirt with me..soo.i flirted back..i went on a few dates...nothing sparks...coz he is kinda shy...but hes warming up a bit...the thing is..he i sooo slow...if he wants me..then make a move! if he doesnt..stop flirting! i hate indecisive guys....
number three is a guy i met online..now hes way older...bout 10 years... and i like the conversation.. very mentally stimulating...no hanky panky...but flirts quite quite nicely... the prob here? nothing..cept of coz..it is online... so nothing will go from there....i assure u...
okay.. here goes
1. my boyfriend
lets call him incubus guy..coz he looks kinda like the lead singer from incubus..not that hes the spawn of satan..tho sometimes...hmm..not sure...
anyways...
2.someone i flirt with at the office and...
3.someone i flirt with online
within these three guys there are all the things that i wanted as my life partner..the thing is..not one of them have all the qualities...all of them have some of the qualities..get it? im sure out there there are lots of women who have these same problem..if only i can perform surgery on them..you know... take out this...put in that... exchange something..A to B.. C to A..oh..you get the idea....
okay... my incubus guy...he's the current love of my life...when im in a good mood.. hes cute..hes funny...he makes me laugh..and that is a very important quality to have in a life partner! he takes care of me..but... he has this bouts of depression...then he went to his cave..for weeks...sheesh..he'll brood..and moan the world is against him..yadayadayada.... he's a scorpio..most of them are like that...but i cant stand it! becoz itll take weeks! at that time i'll be left alone...wats the fun in that rite?
well.. becoz he broods too much..i started flirting..hell...i need to do something in my spare time... now this guy..is younger than me..a junior in the office..but..he likes to flirt with me..soo.i flirted back..i went on a few dates...nothing sparks...coz he is kinda shy...but hes warming up a bit...the thing is..he i sooo slow...if he wants me..then make a move! if he doesnt..stop flirting! i hate indecisive guys....
number three is a guy i met online..now hes way older...bout 10 years... and i like the conversation.. very mentally stimulating...no hanky panky...but flirts quite quite nicely... the prob here? nothing..cept of coz..it is online... so nothing will go from there....i assure u...
Saturday, April 29, 2006
shopping therapy-is it real?
oh yes.... i agree to it 100%! shopping is the way to make feel good and..look good... when you bought something, that feeling of power makes you feel like a new woman! its better than chocolate covered ice cream cake on a hot day i tell you that...
if you have a bad day at work..go shopping! even if it is the last thing you should do considering you ave max out your card..hey i dont care.. there are loads of credit card company out there willing to give you more credit limit that you can ever use! haha..bad advice i know..but if you feel so frustated..depressed..why not go shopping..ah...to hell with those people out there saying you should be doing somethin else for you to release stress..somethin cheap like going for walks...hey..nothing beats the feeling of owning something..to have control of your own choice..no one is going to tell you what colour to choose for that piece of lingerie your holding..you yourself made the choice..and al those sales persons bowing to your every need...youll feel like a queen... is not that therapy at its best? boosting your confidence? making yourself beautiful?
hell...beats having a boyfriend doesnt it?
oh yes.... i agree to it 100%! shopping is the way to make feel good and..look good... when you bought something, that feeling of power makes you feel like a new woman! its better than chocolate covered ice cream cake on a hot day i tell you that...
if you have a bad day at work..go shopping! even if it is the last thing you should do considering you ave max out your card..hey i dont care.. there are loads of credit card company out there willing to give you more credit limit that you can ever use! haha..bad advice i know..but if you feel so frustated..depressed..why not go shopping..ah...to hell with those people out there saying you should be doing somethin else for you to release stress..somethin cheap like going for walks...hey..nothing beats the feeling of owning something..to have control of your own choice..no one is going to tell you what colour to choose for that piece of lingerie your holding..you yourself made the choice..and al those sales persons bowing to your every need...youll feel like a queen... is not that therapy at its best? boosting your confidence? making yourself beautiful?
hell...beats having a boyfriend doesnt it?
Friday, April 28, 2006
a feeling of boredom sweeping over me!!! help...this is not the usual boredness that i felt but...somethings different..i cant quite put my finger on it...maybe its more of loneliness than boredom... im not alone but im lonely... this is wat u get if u have a long distance boyfriend... ull get this lonely....but at the same time u are thinking..u should not be lonely! u ave a boyfriend!
sheesh... arent u supposed to be lucky? hmm... i dont know...
sheesh... arent u supposed to be lucky? hmm... i dont know...
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
just celebrated my birthday a few days ago..man...i feel soooo old.... by the way..im 26..okay okay not that old...but i feel oldd...u know the feeling? felt like "this is it" this is my life..nothing more to go from here.." got a job..that pays okay.. got a car... got a 'sometime hes there' boyfriend... so wat else?
im thinking of furthering my studies..but...i dont know... too lazy? anyways wat for? maybe ill wait till im bored to death with my job then ill go... rite now...only bored to tears..hahahaha...
my wish for my birthday? to get married... very old fashioned...i will be killed by all those women power chicks out there..but..it is what i wish for..to have a family that i can be bored together....haha..my biological clock is ticking like crazy like some kind of time bomb... my boyfriend doesnt have any money...at all... sheesh and im not talking bout a grand wedding or sumthing,...but hes so scared that he cant take care of me... stupid..i told him a few million times that we should take care of EACH OTHER... that we should talk bout it...hes afraid of the comitment.what man doesnt? so..thats why im going fishing..to find other men whos NOT afraid of comitment...soo...that should take me about what... a hundred million years? haha...:P
hmm...
im thinking of furthering my studies..but...i dont know... too lazy? anyways wat for? maybe ill wait till im bored to death with my job then ill go... rite now...only bored to tears..hahahaha...
my wish for my birthday? to get married... very old fashioned...i will be killed by all those women power chicks out there..but..it is what i wish for..to have a family that i can be bored together....haha..my biological clock is ticking like crazy like some kind of time bomb... my boyfriend doesnt have any money...at all... sheesh and im not talking bout a grand wedding or sumthing,...but hes so scared that he cant take care of me... stupid..i told him a few million times that we should take care of EACH OTHER... that we should talk bout it...hes afraid of the comitment.what man doesnt? so..thats why im going fishing..to find other men whos NOT afraid of comitment...soo...that should take me about what... a hundred million years? haha...:P
hmm...
Sunday, April 16, 2006
anyways... i met my boyfriend on the net... yes yes...i have a boyfriend... hey ...im still single! i can be single and have a boyfriend... ill let u know why... patience...patience....
it was three or four years ago..i forgot... now u see? why im still single? haha..it was when i got dumped by this guy..i was still in university back then... that guy...the one who dumped me.. said that i looked like his ex..then he went back to her...so...i was depressed and i went online on the mIRC..to find guys to trash...haha..so i gave lots of men my phone nummer...stupid i know..but hey i was depressed... but only one called..we got to talking..turns out he got dumped too...that was a red flag...a guy on the rebound is soo dangerous but i still do not learn my lesson...im a sucker for hopeless cases... then.... i ask to meet him because i do not want him to be dissapointed and ditch me after he saw me.. i want to ditch him first..but... one date led to another date...suddenly its been a year...i can never call him my boyfriend back then.because we only went out...and theres no declaration of love...and..he was soo hard to be contacted...but i still fell for him..that showed how desparate i was.... u know...he'll call after a few weeks of silence,...asked me out...we had fun walking around parks..talking...then we argue...then he will call after another two weeks..and it will begin again...between the arguments and the silence..i still fell for him..maybe because i cant believe a guy as cute as him will go out with me...yeah yeah..desperate...i know.... i was young..stupid...erm...stupid...
it was three or four years ago..i forgot... now u see? why im still single? haha..it was when i got dumped by this guy..i was still in university back then... that guy...the one who dumped me.. said that i looked like his ex..then he went back to her...so...i was depressed and i went online on the mIRC..to find guys to trash...haha..so i gave lots of men my phone nummer...stupid i know..but hey i was depressed... but only one called..we got to talking..turns out he got dumped too...that was a red flag...a guy on the rebound is soo dangerous but i still do not learn my lesson...im a sucker for hopeless cases... then.... i ask to meet him because i do not want him to be dissapointed and ditch me after he saw me.. i want to ditch him first..but... one date led to another date...suddenly its been a year...i can never call him my boyfriend back then.because we only went out...and theres no declaration of love...and..he was soo hard to be contacted...but i still fell for him..that showed how desparate i was.... u know...he'll call after a few weeks of silence,...asked me out...we had fun walking around parks..talking...then we argue...then he will call after another two weeks..and it will begin again...between the arguments and the silence..i still fell for him..maybe because i cant believe a guy as cute as him will go out with me...yeah yeah..desperate...i know.... i was young..stupid...erm...stupid...
have you ever have the feeling that the world is out to get u? its been so long since my first rantings rite? to tell ya the truth..ive suddenly had this scary feelings about people reading this..sheesh my thots in the open... hmm well..then..after these few months..it kept bugging me..i need to write..i need to write...soo..here i am...and i dont care who reads it... so there... anyways..lots had happened since january... ive been so so so busy with my job... i cant even think straight... with my personal life? wow..so many changes im still reeling... okay okay...im gonna tell... but i should start from the very beginning so as to make u understand rite... here goes...
when i was starting university, it was when this SMS thing just starting..it was free back then! not so many people have a handphone..but because of the ingenuity of this one TELCO company...it gave away dirt cheap hp for students living in the campus...and they introduce the first ever pre-paid service.. specially for students from this particular university and the SMS are free! aahh the sweet old days...anyway.. because of this free sms service..the sudents got into chatting..with whomever...andi was one of them..i was hooked..man..to be someone else...online..and its free...well..actually this have nothing to do with my story..but im getting to it....
when i was starting university, it was when this SMS thing just starting..it was free back then! not so many people have a handphone..but because of the ingenuity of this one TELCO company...it gave away dirt cheap hp for students living in the campus...and they introduce the first ever pre-paid service.. specially for students from this particular university and the SMS are free! aahh the sweet old days...anyway.. because of this free sms service..the sudents got into chatting..with whomever...andi was one of them..i was hooked..man..to be someone else...online..and its free...well..actually this have nothing to do with my story..but im getting to it....
Thursday, January 19, 2006
First entry
Never done this before.. guess should start somewhere.. im free to rant and rage and tell the world im single.. after 3 years of relationship.. but i think of it is not realy a realtionship at all..later on that..now...
i wanna tell the world our side of the story, our here means a malay malaysian muslim girls 25 above who still cant have succesful relationships and are pressured to find one by society, family, peers..to make it harder... i live in such a small town.. well.. small as in one shopping mall, one movie theater... sheesh..i mean its practically impossible to find a good man here..or any men...
i want ppl to know.. that every time they ask us.. "so.. when are you going to get married?" i want to scream none of your bloody business! but of course politeness calls so we just smile... oh... havent met the right one..... but inside we wanna say... why dont you help me find one? or.. would you like to divorce your husband and give him to me? well maybe not...
okay.. i guess i need to organize my writing.. where shall i start? should i start with telling the story of relationships gone wrong? or should i start with whats going on with my life right now that made me start writing this...
i wanna tell the world our side of the story, our here means a malay malaysian muslim girls 25 above who still cant have succesful relationships and are pressured to find one by society, family, peers..to make it harder... i live in such a small town.. well.. small as in one shopping mall, one movie theater... sheesh..i mean its practically impossible to find a good man here..or any men...
i want ppl to know.. that every time they ask us.. "so.. when are you going to get married?" i want to scream none of your bloody business! but of course politeness calls so we just smile... oh... havent met the right one..... but inside we wanna say... why dont you help me find one? or.. would you like to divorce your husband and give him to me? well maybe not...
okay.. i guess i need to organize my writing.. where shall i start? should i start with telling the story of relationships gone wrong? or should i start with whats going on with my life right now that made me start writing this...
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